toe's and bee's

bang__x2 @ 2006-04-01T10:00:00

2006-04-01T00:01:45Z

hey, new livejournal.
most of you already know the link although some dont
mainly cos only a select few were given the link
im sick of unwanted people reading my livejournal

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-26T14:48:00

2006-03-26T04:49:09Z

whydoifeelsoweird.

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-26T00:47:00

2006-03-25T13:51:45Z

Coheed And Cambria was better than eating newspaper.
And man is that good.
Cept IAN kept running off at first.
But then he attacked me with hugs when he left but I didnt want him to go cos im uncool and stuff.
Oh well.
~~iwishhedidntlivesofarawaybecauseilikehimsomuch.~~

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-22T13:23:00

2006-03-22T03:14:32Z

Theres so much glitter stuck underneath all the keys on my keyboard.
So I am going to come up with a really crazy theory:
My keyboard is a glamerous cabaret dancer by night and a simple typing utensil by day/untill 9pm.
She eats only glamerous foods like marmosets and marshmellows and sings only glamerous songs that have lots of piano in them and kinda remind you of the circus.
She only has one friend and that is a 3 and 1/2 floppy disk.
Michael has a 3 1/2 floppy. HAHA! Im funny.
Yesterday was spent discussing politics and racism with Linsey and her friend Matt.
Americans are screwwwwwwed.
3 days Untill Coheed and Cambria.
3 days Untill I get to meet Ian.
3 days Untill ...ZATURDAY!

Salt Begins.

2006-03-19T02:37:47Z

So yesterday afternoon Tichael got here and we hung around a bit and laughed and listend to music, Then we went to pick up Becc from Cambewarra and then went to Mcdonalds and had dinner.
Michael showed me the best party trick ever. Hes like 'Gimmie that $50 note.' then he folded it kinda and went "mewwww, see see its a dolphin!" and then gave it back.
Then we laughed about eating big bowls of angry german men.
Then drove to Ulladulla and met Kristen, Joel and Cameron and saw Parkway Drive, Miles Away, Some mildly cool band, And a derro band.
Uhm yeah some guy walked up to us and asked us to go to some band thing festival with Irrelivant headlining.
He said his band name was "So It Begins" but I thought he said "Salt begins" and laughed till my sides hurt but he thought I thought he said "Assult Begins" so he was going on about fighting and then Kristens like "Salt and Pepper wars?" and then I almost pee'd a little.
And I found out that Tilba means 'Windy' and Tylers friends used to call me Tilba because they had another friend named Tobi who they called Tilba.
And theres a place called Tilba Tilba. 'Windy Windy'
Hahahee.
Anddd watching Tichael right up the front was really funny cos he was being all cute and innocent and like everyone around him was moving.
Then we came home and pretty much went to sleep after collapsing on the lounge and having a slapping war and then I had to wake him up this morning and we went over to my sisters house.
And then I saw Tim going into Laurens house so we went over to say Hi and then basically just said Hi and left. haha.
Then we went into Nowra fair and walked around a bit, and then played with the toys in Woolworths. I was the green power-ranger and Michael was the blue one. And then Michael dared me to chuck a tantrum and make mum buy me some bird seed so I did.
So now we have 'Trill' bird seed for no reason.
Then we dropped Michael back in Berry to the music shop and hung around in there for a while listening to Avenged Sevenfold and playing guitars.
Oh well. I had heaps and heaps of fun. My weekend has been good.

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-17T13:32:00

2006-03-17T02:41:50Z

Last night was so much fun.
Its so weird how all your troubles seem to go away when youre smooshed up against people you dont know, drenched in sweat and water from where the security guards missed your mouth.
Singing along to songs you love even though you swear you have to get out of there or youre going to be trampled or pass out.
To end a really fun, exausting, fun, hot, hilareous night last night; I fell asleep listening to Taking Back Sunday. Regetting that I did blank out or pass out or something a few times and couldnt remember them playing half of the songs from Where You Want To Be.
♥
Parkway Drive is tomorrow.
Coheed and Cambria next saturday.
I don't think Ill be doing that at Coheed. I was talking to Becc about just sitting around and watching them for the most part.
Im pretty much so happy that it hurts.
Oh and I have seen 2 bands on my 'bands I must see before I die' list, and I think I had more fun seeing TBS than I did those. So I am adding it to my list.

~~Taking Back Sunday~~
The Blood Brothers
~~Funeral For A Friend~~
Smashing Pumpkins
~~The Mars Volta~~
Tool
Coheed And Cambria

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-15T18:41:00

2006-03-15T07:44:21Z

Mums putting me on anti depressants and I have to go to a phsycolagist more often and I am scared and I don't know what to do.

Now Im Scared..

2006-03-15T05:12:01Z

Last night I had some crazy panic attack where I couldnt stop crying and shaking and couldnt move.
Talked to Michael forever.
Read Ians journal and blushed like a maniac or something.
Made a baby or two.
~~Iamprettyscaredofupcomingevents.~~

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-14T18:12:00

2006-03-14T07:14:41Z

I was just on the phone to Michael (--Sigillum Diaboli--) Singing him my new song. He quoted everything I was saying in the following conversation.
I call it "Blah HEHE!"

--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
belllpp
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
bleepp
R.I.P computer mouse says:
tooooobbbiii
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
soo
i am a delicious mountain goat. says:
sarrraaaahhh
i am a delicious mountain goat. says:
bluhh
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
whoo is sarraahhh
i am a delicious mountain goat. says:
blhuuhh
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
bla bla bla vla vla bla blaahhhh'
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
bleee belllll blleeee
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
gah ble bla blah blah blah HHEHEHEHEHE
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
blahhh blah blah balllhh HAHAHA
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
you actually hheHEHEHE
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
*whispered* hehHEHE *louder( HEHE
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
Blahh blahhh Michaelll is gayy HAHAHA
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
HEHEHEHE
dun dun dooooooooooo says:
I KNEW IT!
dun dun dooooooooooo says:
haahh
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
BLLHAAh zlaapppp lalalalalal LAAa
dun dun dooooooooooo says:
soz havent left yet
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
ahhhh Llalalalalaa i never said ZLAP BLahh HAHEHEHe BLAHH
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
hehahahahaa
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
ehhhhhh
dun dun dooooooooooo says:
ok im not going
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
calm
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
calm gentle tobi
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
okay im alive
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
sgut up
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
shut up**
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
hehehee
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
i never said sgut up1
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
or shut up
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
BLAH ble blehhh blah@!!
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
HEHEHEHe
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
Ah heheheh
dun dun dooooooooooo says:
omg! michael, stop being soooooo boring
dun dun dooooooooooo says:
haha
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
hehehhee
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
AHHAHAHA
dun dun dooooooooooo says:
SHHH!H!
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
HEE HEE HEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
ahahhahaha
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
HEE hehehehhee
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
okay
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
owe owe
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
my stomach
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
* COUGH!*
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
HEHEHE
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
hehehe
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
owwwww
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
okkaayy
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
HEHE

dun dun dooooooooooo has left the conversation.

--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
*drops phone*
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
*hangs up*
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
ahhh
i am a delicious mountain goat. says:
eeeeeeeeeeeeek
--Sigillum Diaboli-- says:
tobi you hung up on me

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-14T16:11:00

2006-03-14T05:19:29Z

Last night:
The setting is my bedroom, lit only by 7 candles randomly burning in different possitions around my shelf.
The music is "Falling in love again" by Billie Holiday.
The mood is genrally relaxed, slightly hostile because of the song.
Suddenly, I almost pee my pants laughing at a poser on my wall.
Its a woman with her head facing left in a victorian dress holding a little box.
Underneath it says "Pandora's box"
Tobi doesnt know why she is laughing. Tobi assumes she is crazy, takes a whole heap of valerian and falls asleep at 8:30pm.
Woke up this morning and went to Nowra fair.
Got an eyetest and discoverd I basically need perminent glasses except for reading.
Also discoverd that weekdays Nowra fair is filled with old people and stay at home/teen mums.
It was kinda scary cos there was an old woman infront of me who brought an item for $3 but paid with a $50 note.
Talked to Ian on the phone for almost 3 hours or something and I am going to be slaughterd when mother gets the phone bill I think.

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-13T09:37:00

2006-03-12T22:42:09Z

Linsey has come to the conculsion that death metal boys should have yogurt in their hair.
Tobi has come to the conclusion that Linsey should have me in her hair.
The world is a better place, after sleeping on stuff a few times.
*Touches labradons*
Beccs dad has a cakey hand. *smoosh*

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-11T17:46:00

2006-03-11T06:48:19Z

So to top of a gay weekend, look what I just got on myspace from Luke Neville who I don't even like.

You like alkaline trio, right?
I havea ticket i no longer want for their concert tomorrow night (11/03/06) and if you're interested, you can have it free of charge. only problem is it's at sydney at the UNSW Roundhouse! so you'd have to get up there. but yeh, call me if you want the ticket.
~~0431448446~~
-Luke <2

Problem is, Its now 6pm. And today is the 11th. I have been offerd a free ticket to see my favourite band and I cant go because I cant get to Sydney.

~~holyshitiwannaslapabitch.~~

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-11T17:15:00

2006-03-11T06:24:24Z

Very eventfull weekend.
Last night Becc and I went out for chinese, had porn toast haha and then walked over to the tea club to find Lauren Morris and Reg.
Something happend and I was looking around and then turned. I can remember everything about it as if it was in slow motion. I turned and there was Tyler and Anj. Under a tree. In the dark. Holding hands. Asked them where Reg was. Felt sick. Random stuff.

Walked across the road to get movie tickets and then walked back. I really wanted to find reg but I didnt wanna see Tyler and Anj again. So we went back and stood on this back thing and Lauren Morris came running up with Josh Fox and various others.
And then reg came running up.
And then we talked and then went to see our movie.
And then I got home and cried myself to sleep at around 4am with all the lights off and my sterio off (which I normally leave on) and stuff.
And then woke up thismorning feeling sick but I went to lunch with Becc, David, Lauren, Alison, Steph and then Reg met us a bit later.
We went to Go-Lo for cheap thrills and then took a walk. I got sad/stomache achey/got my period and then I asked mum to come pick me up when she rang so she did. And now I am at home with heartburn and feeling drained.

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-10T11:27:00

2006-03-10T01:06:49Z

So Becc made this whole journal entry about who she is and summed it up pretty nicely except some points I don't agree with.
She inspired me to do the same. So here goes? Ill try my best.
____________________

I am almost sixteen. I live for the future, But do things for the moment. I am way behind in schoolwork. I am too lazy. My bedroom is a constant mess. I never work to my ability, They have put me in the 'Special' class for geography just because of this. I know I can do better, But instead I waste my time writing stupid things like this on the interenet just so I am not bored. I love my camera no matter how crappy it is, But I don't think I am a good photographer, I just love taking photos of my friends. I love doing Photographic and Digital media because they I can manipulate these photos into something mildly good. I am scared of religion, I don't believe in it anymore, But because I have basically grown up with it for 7 years of my life, Sometimes I wonder if following my own heart is more important than just giving in incase it is all real. The one thing I am confident in is myself. I know who I am but I am not sure what I want. I am so emotionally attatched to my bestfriend that my heart breaks everytime he says he has a crush on another girl, Not because I like him in that way, Because I don't want to lose our special friendship because he has a girlfriend. I hate the way I look, I think I look better in photos than I do in real life. I want a breast reduction even though I am only a C and I want a nose job because I despise my nose. Although- Id never be able to go through with it. I am addicted to the computer. My sleeping patterns are screwed. I miss school beyond beleif and I miss my relationships with my friends. Sometimes I get jealous of other relationships that my friends have with other people. Im not scared to like girls, But because Nowra is lacking in Lesbians I always end up liking boys. If I were in a community with more lesbians, I think I would never look at a boy again. Bisexualism doesnt feel un-natural to me. I look at boys and girls the same. And I get really offended when people say stuff about my way of life being 'wrong'. I used to lie alot. I miss my sisters old dog Max, Who I loved way more than they ever did. I feel ashamed because I forget what my old cat Jindy was like, and sometimes I am really cruel to Millie and then I realise afterwards and feel so bad that I cry. I am addicted to reading Tylers Emails. I secretly want to sabotage his and Anj's relationship because I was so upset that she betrayed me and he moved on and was happy while I was still crying myself to sleep. When we first broke up I would listen to Unintended on repeat untill I didnt cry anymore. And then I knew I was finally getting over him. I question my feelings towards him way to much. Maybe it was really unintended for him to 'fall in love' with me. I would die to prevent any of my friends to feel how I felt in that 4 weeks that I was miserable. I hate children, But I really really really want to have one of my own one day. So I can teach it things that I was taught and bring it up to be someone who knows so much about themselves and so much about life and they can pass it on to others and slowly but surely, A tiny bit of the world will be a better place regarding self- identity. I love chicken ceasar salads. I have messy handwriting. Once I went 3 days without showering and ended up smelling like a dog kenel or something. My heart is so confused that it hurts. I like too many boys. I dont consider sex to be a big deal. I look at gross porn, Like the stupid stuff that Michael and Linsey tell me to go to. Like Gay clown porn and Sex with Animals. I laugh so much that I almost pee my pants. I drink too much iced coffee at home nowdays. I really hate the way I look and I would gladly swap with any of my friends. Sometimes I get scared and I am afraid to admit it- But out of my 3 best best friends (Becc, Alison and Lauren) I always feel like Kristen should be in there too. I love her so much and I wish I saw her more. I miss those days we would sit in year 8 maths and laugh at Mrs. Graham going crazy. That was when I first developed a relationship with Kristen. I still have a furby. I love doing art, But when it comes to art I am a perfectionist. Which means I had to drop art this year because it took me so god damn long. When all my friends were going through their beany kid phase, I really did love those things. I still have them in my bedroom. And I still take Katie most places I go. I love rupert so much. I feel this connection to Michael when ever I hug him, So he know also comes everywhere with me. I love my mum too much. And sometimes I think about when she dies that I would like to go live with my sister Shannon in Adelaide. I love metalic textas. I never not wear nailpolish, I have way too many Cd's and I have more than 5BG of music on my computer ALONE not inculding the Cd's I havent copyed on here yet. I used to play the voilin. When I get nervous I either get shakey or sweaty or fiddle heaps. I have a webcam that I never use. I miss my old house. I feel a different connection with each of my friends. It wouldnt be fair to say I love them in the same way, Because I love them all differently. I love them all the same AMOUNT. But its all different. Being around Lauren when she has PMS makes me upset, And If I have PMS when she has PMS sometimes I question our friendship. But then in a day I love her so much again. This may sound weird- But sometimes I feel like Becc's dad or Mr. Steve is the closest thing to a father I have had in a long time. I need to pee. I change my sheets too often. I hate my hair. My bedroom floor has nailpolish and eyeliner all over it. I always dream of the same thing. I always think about that time we were all talking about farting and Becc said she farts and giggles a little and then does it again. That just brings a smile to my face and makes me remember every little detail about Becc that I love. Especially when she sings the rapping part out of Wannabe by the spicegirls to me in History. I love so much about Alison that its hard to explain. Sometimes I feel that Alison is my friendship soulmate. I love Bianca but I can never understand her livejournal because of the out of place words or typos. And I love doing HTML. I love music and I miss horseriding. I miss living in my old house with Shannon, Belinda, Steve, Mum, Jay and Gary. At christmas time we used to play that game called scribbles, And then turn the paper into airoplaes and throw them out the window and watch the cars run over them on the road. Sometimes when I talk to Linsey she reminds me so much of myself. And Alot of the time I dream about going to America to meet her. I find it easy to make new friends. I am still obsessed with the sims but I never play anymore. I feel like shit if I dont wear makeup. I stess my mum out without trying and I never try to fix it cos I am lazy. And I really do think that Tyler was the love of my life. Even if nobody believes me and says I will get over him. I dont like him in that way anymore, But I think about him everyday and Id go back with him in a heartbeat. I don't love one thing. Like Becc loves the rain. I don't love anything like that except for my friends. I wanna move to Gosford. Just for Ian. And I am really self concious but nobody ever knows because I act like I dont care what anyone thinks. I dont care what anyone thinks, I care what I think about myself.

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-09T19:44:00

2006-03-09T08:44:19Z

nailing a 2x4 to a ladies face isnt the best way to get into her pants says:
one day ill molest you
nailing a 2x4 to a ladies face isnt the best way to get into her pants says:
and youll be shit scared
Save your happiness for tomorrow and today we'll drown in your Tears. says:
you rubbed my nipples
Save your happiness for tomorrow and today we'll drown in your Tears. says:
thats pretty close?
nailing a 2x4 to a ladies face isnt the best way to get into her pants says:
hahaha yeah yhou loved that.
nailing a 2x4 to a ladies face isnt the best way to get into her pants says:
but oneday
nailing a 2x4 to a ladies face isnt the best way to get into her pants says:
ill stick my tongue down your throat
nailing a 2x4 to a ladies face isnt the best way to get into her pants says:
and you wont know what is happening
Save your happiness for tomorrow and today we'll drown in your Tears. says:
i'll be like
Save your happiness for tomorrow and today we'll drown in your Tears. says:
"tobi, i think there is a wilder beast in my throat"
Save your happiness for tomorrow and today we'll drown in your Tears. says:
and you will be like
Save your happiness for tomorrow and today we'll drown in your Tears. says:
"hush" *MOLESTED*

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-09T13:05:00

2006-03-09T02:10:58Z

Why?
Just why.
whydoeseveryonehavetooverexadurateormakestuffupsothatpeopleeitherfeelsorryforthemortrytomotivatesomeonetodoabetterjobatsomethingtheyarealreadyfailingat.
whyisitsohardforthispersontounderstandthatilovehimandheisphotogenicandnothorribleanddoeshaveabeautifulpersonality.
andwhyisitsohardforthisotherpersontounderstandthatheisalsobeautifulandhasagreatpersonality.
andwhyisitsohardformetotellthetruthregardingmyownfeelings.
andwhycanttheyjuststoppretendingtobeselflessandlookatthetruthandstoplyingtotheirfriends.
lifeisacomplicatedmessandalliwannadoiscurlupwithabookorbeabletowriteinmyownlivejournalwithoutlookinglikesomeformofphycopathicweirdowhotypeswholesentanceswithonebigjibberishword.

So don't be shy, Lets cause a scene.

2006-03-07T23:49:12Z

As soon as I turn 18 I am going to a lesbian bar.
This year for my birthday I am exposing everyones closed minds to something other than american love story movies or horror movies.
Subtitles all the way.

I am buying a car when I am 16 with my inheritence, doing my work expirience early, training at bakers delight (I don't want to, but shes giving me a job there.) and then getting my job and earning $11 an hour.
I will be working week days from 9 till 5 (I think) and have weekends off and do schoolwork at night.

With this money, I will be saving up. For no paticular reason, But just to have money in the bank for whenever I need it will be glorious.
If I have saved up enough before I am 18, I can put that with the rest of my inheritence and get a loan and put a deposit on a shabby house.

And then continue working for the rest of my life just to try and pay it off.

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-07T16:54:00

2006-03-07T06:24:45Z

So!
Monday morning I went to canberra. We woke up early and left and stopped at kangaroo valley on the way over and got breakfast and then eventually got to some petrol station.
Anyway we went inside and I saw a guy with the same shirt as me. My underOATH one which I happend to be wearing at the time.
So we smiled and had some form of special bond and he got back into his car and then we kept going to canberra.
We checked into our motel and then went to my school.
I met my maths teacher and my year advisor who looks weird.
She had skinny legs, and a sore knee so she was limping and she had HUGE bosoms and a big tummy and fluffy hair and big round glasses. It was quite the sight.
Anyway she then took me to meet some Distance Ed students. And I met the guy with the underOATH shirt!
So anyway it turned out his name was Shawn and he is in year 11 doing DE, and he looked a bit like Michael so I was mainly talking to him.
And I had rupert stuffed in my bag cos I was nervous, And I showed him rupert and he laughed at me hahaha and then gave me his msn but silly Tobi lost it.
Then we went to this store called 'The Bargain Hunter' and it was a really cool op-shop.
I brought a dress, a shirt and a really cool bag kinda like Becc's smiley face one.
Except its like plastic stuff and its green with a frog or bug thing on it.
Then we went back to the motel and watched The Brothers Grim and drank creaming soda untill we decided to go for a drive into the city. It was pretty boring but lots of emo boys were riding around on bikes so I secretly wanted to get out and rape them all.
We ended up getting really nice Pizza for dinner and then looked at iPods and then went back and watched more movies.
Then I called Michael cos I love him and then went to bed.
This morning we woke up and went shopping and I had a group of 6 emo followers, following me around the shopping center.
It was cool at first cos they were all really good looking, tall, slim, tight black jeans/gyroscope/avenged sevenfold teeshirt wearing boys.
But then I went to valley girl and brought 2 skirts and a jacket thing and they were standing there looking at skirts... And when we went to Gloria Jeans they followed and got coffee.
And then we walked into a Games store and they were gone and then I turned around and they were lurking near a bin.
So it was good but weird.
Yes and and yes.
We got lunchables and then drove home and it took forever so we stopped and got a drink and then kept going and I listend to APC the whole way back.
So it was pretty good cos I scored:

Dress
Jacket
Skirt x2
Necklace x4
Shirt
Bag
Fluro Pink Fishnets.
Oreo Mocha From Gloria Jeans *YESSS!*

Meow.

bang__x2 @ 2006-03-03T10:47:00

2006-03-03T00:34:57Z

So yesterday I went for a really long walk around worrigee and then to south nowra mcdonalds to get a latte.
Did schoolwork last night and today I rang my brother, realised he sounded too much like my dad and hung up.
I am oh so very brave.
I miss Ian.
Oh mum also woke me up at 8am asking if I had called america.
I said no when secretly I talked to Linsey in maryland for 20 minutes a few weeks ago.
I told linsey if anyone is to call (Mum said she would find out who it was by calling the number) she had to pretend to be an asian telemarket scammer.

bang__x2 @ 2006-02-27T10:49:00

2006-02-26T23:52:03Z

No way.

bang__x2 @ 2006-02-26T19:29:00

2006-02-26T08:50:50Z

Today ended up sucking.
I didnt go to Jacobs party,
Didnt see Michael.
But I did manage to punch my little ADD cousin and make his nose bleed
And cry most of the morning cos I realised it was 3 years today that jindy died.
But I am ok.
Mums been feeling like crap cos im sad.
Blearg

bang__x2 @ 2006-02-25T18:29:00

2006-02-25T07:45:07Z

I AM SUPER GLAD I DIDNT GO TO SYDNEY!
I didnt mean that in a bad way haha I am sure I would of had fun but today was just really good and really well balanced.
First I had to baby sit. At first it was alright, I was drawing pictures with Jacob and we watched the nightmare before christmas for the billionth time and then it got sucky when I had to stay with him at nans. We watched the jungle book and then 10 things I hate about you and then had lunch and dropped him home. And I was really pissed off cos I hate looking after him sometimes so we went for a drive to berry and I met up with Michael and Kai and we walked and talked and giggled and everything and then went back to the music store and listend to music etc and then saw my mum again and then we organised to pick him up tomorrow at around 10ish so he can come to my nephews party with me haha!
I was really upset yesterday and then angry this morning and now I am really happy so I can already see that this weekend is going to be a big balance of emotions which will actually be nice!
I don't know. Lauren said I can go up with her next time she goes so I guess im not really missing out that much, And I had a wonderfull weekend so far.
I love Michael. I have no idea how many times I have said that, But I do.
I get along with him in a different way then I do all my other friends and I just like being around him alot.
Anyway I am going because
well.
Chinese.

bang__x2 @ 2006-02-24T21:19:00

2006-02-24T10:19:22Z

home.home.on.the.range.

bang__x2 @ 2006-02-24T08:38:00

2006-02-23T21:51:49Z

So tonight I think I am going to Sydney with Lauren and Becc.
And I really want to, but I also really don't.

When I was little I used to have seperation anxiety from my mum, and never leave her. I would scream and cry (or cream and skry as Lauren likes to say) if I had to leave her.
I was put in councelling and therapy at 8 untill I was 12.
They established (you wouldnt have to be smart to know this) that I act this way because of my dad dying. And I was so afraid I would loose my mum while I was apart from her because thats what happend with my dad. He was in hospital when he died.
Anyway. My mum has Hepatitus C. She has had it long before I was born and ive always known just never known the seriousness of the situation.
Now that I realise a little more, I know that she could die any day. And that really hurts. Like alot. I am stressed out because I am always being concious about what it say incase I say the wrong thing and she gets hurt and then dies and then thinks I think something horrible about her.
I love her so much and I don't know what I would do without her. And we are alot closer than heaps of mothers and daughters because of my dad dying and living alone together for so long.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Im a flailing mess and nobody notices because I hide it. Just like I hide everything else.
Everytime she leaves the house I cry silently. Its seperation anxiety again but I am controlling it a bit better.
Except this morning she left and I burst into tears and blamed it on a headache and sore legs from being tired.

The reason I don't want to go to Sydney is because of my mum. I just..don't want to leave her. I want to go shopping with her and then go to my nephews party with her and then talk to her all night on sunday night about whatever I want to.

But I also dont even want to write this journal entry. I don't want people to know these things even when they are a huge part of my life.
I have also lost 3kg this week. Just from stressing so much.
And If I could honestly have one wish in the world- I would wish that if my mum were to die, I would be right next to her- dying also.
I just cant see my life without her. I don't know where I would go and I don't know how I could cope.
Shes my best friend. and somebody that I would die for.

bang__x2 @ 2006-02-23T16:16:00

2006-02-23T05:20:27Z

Disregard last entry.
Found out that I was being mislead.
Becc wasnt upset because I am a bitch, She was upset because she hurt my feelings.
Everyone should just forget everything, Thats why I am watching ninja turtles.
I HAD TO BABY SIT ALL YESTERDAY AFTERNOON AND NOW IM GOING TO HAVE A CRY COS MY NEPHEWS HAD THE FLU AND NOW IM GETTING IT AND WAA WAA WAA.